Fetishising messages: how to spot them and shut them down

Attraction is fine. Being reduced to a body isn't

A fetishising message is one that treats your body as the whole point of you: the opening line, the only topic, the thing they want to collect. Attraction to bigger bodies is a different and perfectly good thing. Someone who finds your curves gorgeous and also wants to hear about your week is exactly who you're here to meet.

The difference is whether your body is part of the attraction or all of it. Fetishising can feel flattering for about three messages, and then it's tiring. Over time it chips away at the confidence that makes dating fun, which is why it's worth spotting early and dealing with briskly.

You don't need to prove what someone's motives are. You only need to notice the pattern and decide whether you want more of it.

Which messages are the warning signs?

The clearest signs are a body-first opener, requests for numbers, back-handed compliments, zoomed-in photo requests and a conversation that keeps sliding back to food or weight. The examples below are made up, but you'll probably recognise them.

Size before hello

Example: "Wow, you're big. I love that."

The first thing they mention is your body, before your name, your profile or anything you wrote. It tells you what they think the conversation is for.

Numbers, please

Example: "How much do you weigh? What size are you?"

Questions about weight, measurements or dress size early on aren't small talk. Your photos already show your shape. Someone who needs the numbers is usually filling in a checklist.

The compliment with a catch

Example: "You're really pretty for a bigger girl." Example: "I don't usually go for big women, but you're different."

These sound like praise and land like an insult. The person is telling you they've made an exception for you, and expecting thanks.

Photo requests that zoom in

Asking for one more recent full-length photo once you're chatting can be reasonable. Asking for photos of a particular part of your body, or for anything more revealing than your profile, is not. Don't send intimate photos to someone you haven't met: once they're out of your hands, you can't take them back.

Everything leads back to food or weight

Some people are into eating, feeding or weight gain as a kink. Between consenting adults who've talked about it, that's their business. Steering a first chat towards what you ate today, or how much you could gain, without asking whether you're interested, is pushing their script onto you.

Keen, but only in secret

They're very interested, but only late at night, only at their place or yours, never with friends, never anywhere they might be seen. Some people want a bigger partner and don't want anyone to know. You deserve someone who's glad to be seen with you.

Quick guide: what each message usually means

Most fetishising messages fall into a handful of types, and each has a sensible response. This table is a rule of thumb, not a verdict on any one person.

What to do: three options, all fine

You choose how much energy to spend, and all three of these are reasonable.

1. Say nothing. Stop replying. You don't owe a stranger an explanation, and silence is often the quickest way to end it.
2. Set one boundary, once. If you'd like to give someone a chance to do better, a short line does it. If the next message goes straight back to your size, you have your answer.
3. Report it. If a message is sexual out of nowhere, threatening, abusive or keeps coming after you've said no, report the profile through the members help centre.

There's no need to argue. People who fetishise rarely change their minds over a dating-site debate, and it costs you more than it costs them.

Short replies you can borrow

These are examples, not scripts. Use whichever sounds like you, or none.

• "Happy to chat, but not about my body. What are you into?"
• "I don't share my weight with people I've just met. Next question."
• "That's not a compliment. Good luck with your search."
• "No more photos, thanks. If that's a dealbreaker, no problem."

How to report a message so it's taken seriously

A useful report is specific: who, what, when, and evidence. A few minutes of preparation makes it much easier for the people running the members area, or the police, to act.

1. Screenshot first. Capture the message with the profile name and date visible, before you stop replying.
2. Note the profile name exactly as it appears.
3. Keep the conversation. Don't delete the chat until the report is dealt with.
4. Report through the members help centre, saying what happened and when. The contact page explains how to reach it.
5. Report outside the site too if the message involves explicit images, threats, blackmail or a request for money. The safety page lists where in Australia and the UK.

When does a message cross a legal line?

Unsolicited explicit images, threats to share intimate photos and threats of harm all go beyond rude, and you can report them to the police as well as the site.

Unsolicited explicit images. In England and Wales, sending someone a photo or film of genitals intending to cause alarm, distress or humiliation, or for sexual gratification while being reckless about whether it causes those things, has been a criminal offence since 31 January 2024. This is often called cyberflashing. Wherever you live, screenshot it with the profile name visible and report it to the help centre.

Threats to share your photos. Image-based abuse is sharing, or threatening to share, an intimate image or video of someone without their consent. When the threat comes with a demand for money, more images or anything else, it's sextortion. Don't pay and don't send anything more. Keep the messages, stop contact and get help:

• Australia: the eSafety Commissioner deals with image-based abuse, including sextortion, and can help get intimate content removed. Report threats and blackmail to the police too.
• UK: the Revenge Porn Helpline supports adults aged 18 and over who live in the UK. Call 0345 6000 459 (10am to 4pm, Monday to Friday) or use the contact options on its website. Report to the police as well.
• Anywhere: StopNCII.org lets adults create a digital fingerprint (a hash) of an intimate image, so participating platforms can block it, without the image itself leaving your device.

Threats of harm. If anyone threatens you, or you feel in danger, call 000 in Australia or 999 in the UK.

If you're an admirer: how to message well

If you're attracted to plus-size women and want to be one of the good ones, the bar isn't high. Treat her as a person first and let the physical compliments wait until you're both clearly flirting.

• Open with something from her profile: a question about a place in a photo, a book, a band, a dog.
• Leave her body out of the first few messages entirely. She knows what she looks like.
• Let compliments be about the whole person.
• Don't ask for numbers or extra photos.
• Be ready to meet in public, in daylight, and to be seen together.
• Use the words she uses. Some women love "BBW", others prefer "curvy" or "plus-size". Our guide to what BBW means explains why that matters.

Keep your energy for the good ones

The best defence against a stream of fetishising messages is a profile that filters them out and a habit of ending them fast. Our body-confidence guide covers photos and profile lines that do some of the filtering for you, and how Meet Naughty BBWs works explains what you can set about who you're looking for. When you do find someone worth meeting, run through the pre-date safety checklist first.